LIVE: Televised Press Conference

Doug Addresses the Nation About the Sudden (Totally Intentional) Addition of a White House Ballroom

Streaming on all major networks: CNN, FOX, MSNBC, C-SPAN, ESPN 8: The Ocho.

[Camera pans to a podium, dramatically flanked by multiple American flags, scaffolding blueprints, and a large “UNDER RENOVATION” banner that is clearly covering something up. Reporters buzz. Flashbulbs pop. Doug steps up, bald dome gleaming like a freshly waxed Lincoln bust.]

DOUG (clears throat like he’s about to either confess or promote a taco truck):
Good evening, America.

Or as we’re calling it internally:
Operation Decorative Diversion.

Let me be direct—because if I’m not, the press will be.
Yes, a new ballroom is being constructed at the White House.
Yes, it was not part of the original plans.
And yes… it is suspiciously located in a spot that recently smelled like jalapeños, shame, and burnt marble.

But no—let me be clear—the East Wing did NOT collapse.
There was no structural failure.
Just… a very localized gastrointestinal incident of such intensity that “wall integrity became negotiable.”

So, rather than issue a national statement involving the words “intestinal misfire,” we opted for Plan B:
Ballroom.

THE INCIDENT THAT SHALL BE DANCED AROUND

The night before a key White House tour, I made a simple suggestion.
El Tormento Loco.
A Tex-Mex joint known for salsa that requires gloves and a liability waiver.

I might have told a friend—high-ranking, possibly diplomatic—to order the Triple Bean Apocalypse Burrito with molten queso and “nuclear regret” on the side.
I might have said, “What could go wrong?”
And in retrospect…
Everything.
Everything went wrong.

THE DAY AFTER: THE “AROMATIC ADJUSTMENT ZONE”

The next morning, during what should’ve been a routine East Wing tour, multiple interns reported:

• A low rumble
• A sudden shift in room pressure
• What one staffer described as, “the sound of God sighing through a kazoo”

Security protocol kicked in.
So did Febreze protocol.
And while no walls fell, let’s just say several windows voluntarily evacuated themselves.

Damage was minimal.
But dignity?
Dignity left the building entirely.

THE COVER-UP—I MEAN, “CONSTRUCTION PROJECT”

Rather than call a press conference titled “Doug Tooted on Democracy”, the White House chose a more elegant route:

“Let’s build a ballroom!”

A beautiful, dignified ballroom.
Right over the affected zone.
Add some hardwood floors.
A few chandeliers.
Boom—literally—history rebranded.

I call that strategic architecture.
Some call it a cover-up.
I call it aesthetic redemption.

THIS RUNS IN THE FAMILY: THE DOUG DYNASTY OF DISTRACTIONS™

Now, if you think this is the first time a Doug has quietly adjusted national landmarks after… let’s say, overcommitting, think again. The Doug lineage has been slapping drywall over disasters for decades.

1969 – The Bowling Alley Diversion

Uncle Arlo Doug, while bowling in the West Wing basement, accidentally hit a pipe labeled “Important.”
To cover it, he suggested installing full lanes.
Nixon agreed, mostly to stop the water damage.
Boom: presidential bowling.
History books won’t tell you why.
But I will.
Doug happened.

1990 – The Hidden White House Gym

Cousin Sheila Doug broke a structural beam doing burpees near the Situation Room.
She told the administration she was “testing national resilience.”
The beam was quietly reinforced.
The area was renamed the Fitness Annex.
Also: Sheila still holds the record for most kettlebell swings while denying wrongdoing.

2003 – The FroYo Room Initiative

Nephew Tanner Doug rerouted kitchen power to run a triple-nozzle frozen yogurt machine.
When power failed during a state dinner, he said, “It’s part of a new dessert diplomacy initiative.”
The UN is still confused.
But they liked the pistachio swirl.

2020 – The East Garden Incident

Grandpa Reggie Doug accidentally launched a commemorative cannon during a “quiet backyard cookout.”
To mask the crater, a reflecting pool was built.
They named it “Freedom Splash.”
It still smells faintly of BBQ ribs and unexplained bravery.

THE OFFICIAL APOLOGY (WITH MINIMAL ACCOUNTABILITY)

To the American people:
I’m sorry.
Not for the burrito. It was delicious.
But for underestimating the containment threshold of heritage architecture.

To the White House Facilities Team:
You are heroes.
You deserve hazard pay, aromatherapy, and possibly a Netflix docuseries.

To historians:
If future textbooks mention a “Surprise Ballroom” that wasn’t there before…
Just know: it was a tactical aesthetic maneuver.
And yes—I blame Doug.

MEDIA Q&A: “BALLROOM-GATE”

CNN Reporter:

“Doug, how do you respond to claims that this ballroom is just a distraction from the incident?”

DOUG:
I say: exactly.
That’s literally what a ballroom is for—distracting people with lighting, music, and a strong scent of lavender Febreze.
Also, the floor is sprung for dancing AND plausible deniability.

FOX News Anchor:

“Why not just come clean about what happened?”

DOUG:
Because sometimes the truth smells like ghost pepper regret and historical panic.
You want to live in a country that builds a ballroom over shame, not under it.
That’s the American Dream: Deluxe Edition™.

NPR Reporter:

“What would the Founding Fathers say about all this?”

DOUG:
Probably: “What is Tex-Mex, and why is my powdered wig melting?”
Then I’d offer them a chip and say: “Taste freedom. Taste Doug.”

 MSNBC Reporter:

“Why do so many of these architectural incidents trace back to your family?”

DOUG:
We’re pioneers.
You see drywall; we see opportunity.
You see a structural incident; we see the next ballroom.

FINAL THOUGHTS: “WHEN IN DOUBT, BUILD OUT”

So yes.
There was a burrito.
There was fallout.
But no, the East Wing didn’t collapse.
It… adapted.

And in the grand tradition of my forebears—from Uncle Arlo to Cousin Sheila—we didn’t hide the mess.
We renovated over it.

Some call it deceit.
I call it remodeling with style.

And remember:
I didn’t pour the concrete.
I didn’t hang the chandeliers.
I just made a lunch suggestion.

So if you’re looking for someone to blame…

Well, I blame fate.
I blame queso.
And of course—I blame Doug.

(steps back from podium, waves, mariachi remix of “Hail to the Chief” begins softly in the distance)

POST-CREDITS BLOOPER REEL

Presented by Febreze™: “Because Bean Fog Is Not a Policy.”

 [INT. SECRET SERVICE INTERVIEW ROOM]
Agent 1: “Doug, when did you know the burrito was a mistake?”
DOUG (quietly): “About six minutes before the thermostat exploded.”

[INT. UNDER-CONSTRUCTION BALLROOM]
Contractors are arguing about whether to install a fog machine.
Doug: “It’s for ambience. And plausible deniability.”

[INT. WHITE HOUSE TOUR]
TOUR GUIDE: “And here’s our newest feature: the Surprise Ballroom, added during the 2025… internal airflow recalibration.”
KID: “You mean a fart?”
GUIDE (flatly): “We do not confirm or deny that.”

[EXT. WHITE HOUSE – EVENING]
Doug walks toward a taco truck labeled “Tactical Tex-Mex: Powered by Regret”

DOUG (to camera):
I didn’t mean to start a construction project.
I meant to start a flavor revolution.
Sometimes history gets remodeled.
And sometimes it gets remodeled because of you.

(pauses)
Also: I want immunity. And maybe a salsa fountain.

FINAL TITLE CARD:

COMING SOON: THE WHITE HOUSE BALLROOM – BUILT ON BEANS, BRAVADO, AND BLAME.
#IBlameDoug – And His Entire DIY Family

Cue upbeat mariachi remix of “Don’t Stop Believin’.”